What the hell is wrong with you?
I swear to god you’re bipolar. Some days, you love yourself, and everyone around you. You’re happy with your life, where you’re going with it, and what you’ve done. You’re accepting of anything that goes wrong; you take it in stride. You admit you look pretty in the mirror: your freckles, blue eyes, messy brown hair, dimple. You know you look beautiful in a simple, natural way. You smile at strangers, even if they grimace at you. You joke with your mom and tell her about your day. You help the people the need it; you’re kind to people that don’t deserve it. You think that 94 you got on the test was a good grade, and you know your average will be just fine at the end of the quarter. You believe that you can get into MIT. You’re a positive, beaming, intelligent girl for a while.
But it seems like for every one good, happy, decent day, you have nine that knock you back five steps each. You regret every decision you’ve ever made, even if you know it was the right one. You have no idea what you want to do with your life and you’re fairly sure it won’t go anywhere special. Everything that goes wrong is another ton of pressure on your soul, and you await the pound that will shatter it. You look ugly: your freckles look like pimples, your dimple makes you look stupid, your eyebrows are too bushy, your eyes look gray and lifeless like your mood, your smile is faked or nonexistent, your hair looks like a rat’s nest. It seems like every stranger that walks by is talking about you or judging you for the worst. Your parents piss you off just because they’re talking to you. You’re annoyed every time they ask a question. You blow off people that ask for your advice or help; you get snippy with everyone, including your boyfriend. You turn into a giant bitch. You know that the 94 on your test makes you an idiot and everyone else is thinking it, too. Your average is going to be screwed because of it. You’ll never get into MIT and you shouldn’t set your hopes so high because they’ll just get crushed in the end. You’re not worth it. You’re average. You’re not better than all the other hypocritical and sadistic people in the world around you. You don’t deserve to be treated any better than them. You don’t know what you are anymore.
The worst part is that when you’re upset, you know you’re upset but you don’t do anything about it. You just bitch and complain about everything you can think of, even if it isn’t true. You try to bring everyone else down around you. You ruin your boyfriend’s good day so that maybe he’ll understand how you feel, but he won’t have a clue. He’ll just get grumpy and try to fix it. You’ll make it worse and be even more miserable. You’ll try to give him hints to stay up and talk, or stay with you when you sit by yourself, but you know it’s the wrong thing to do, so when the point doesn’t get across, you let it go. You shut your mouth and take it like a man. You bottle it up and take it out on him later. You show him all these terrible emotions he should never have to experience. You wish he wasn’t what he is, but you know he can’t change it. You bitch about that and regret it later. You wonder if he’s better off without you. You wonder if you’re better off without you. But you push it all back, wipe your tears, and go to bed. You try again the next day. Most of the time it doesn’t work, but when it does, you screw something up again. You plan for something then get distracted by stupid things. You let yourself down, you let him down. You’re an idiot and the cycle starts over.
You need to figure out how to fix it. You’re terrified he’ll sink into the miserable state you’re usually in, and you wonder if he already is. You can’t let his day be ruined just because yours is. You need to find something positive in life so that you can love him like you always have instead of doing this shit to him. You need to make your life better so his can be, too. You need to find out who you are and what you want. You need to find out why you do the things you do, and how you can fix it. You need to be happy again.