A random collection of thoughts as they come (in no logical order)

• Hard to concentrate when my heart’s always screaming at me
• School’s getting ridiculous
• I think I’m getting more emotional? Not sure how to handle that
• Scared to apply to college
• Feel like I’m not good enough
• I miss my best friend. She needs to come home
• Not sure if I’m unhappy more than I’m happy anymore, hate that.  
• Feel like I’m always walking on glass when I talk to Sam lately…worries me. I don’t even think something’s wrong. I’m just…nervous to talk to him. That never happened before. I don’t know what it is. We both just seem so…fragile.
• Becoming increasingly self-reliant to be happy. No one else seems to notice when I break down
• Need a vacation - a real one
• BLEHFACE.

So basically everyone at my school is going for their license test this week or next. Sam’s going on Friday. He’s SIX months younger than me and he’s getting his license before me. I have to renew my permit in a few weeks. Makes me angry. To make it even worse, my parents won’t let me take my test. So maybe I haven’t driven for 65 hours, but so what? I can drive just fine and they should at least give me a chance. I’m so sick of it. And then everyone always asks me if I can drive yet or when I’m taking my test. Just makes me want to punch everyone in the face. Seriously, this is rediculous. BLAH.

This is extremely frustrating. I’m so emotional lately. And I’m terrified of, well, we won’t go there.

School isn’t getting any harder but it’s finally getting to me after all these years. I get tests and I shut down. It’s not that I don’t know my material, because I’m pretty sure everyone knows I do. I just get myself into this place filled with anxiety. It’s like every question is screaming - “If you get me wrong you’ll never go to college!” or “Someone’s going to take your spot for the top of the class!”. I freak myself out so much that I just can’t handle classes anymore. They’re not difficult, I just can’t enjoy learning anymore. Is this what preparing for college is supposed to feel like? Because if it is I don’t know how I’m going to make it through Senior Year. 

I get in these happy moods but it only takes a second to smash it. I’m spending a lot more time by myself reading my magazines all day long. BLEH. 

I’m just a mess. I’m distancing myself from everyone and I don’t know how to stop. Help me?

HALLELUJAH

I have been looking forward to Christmas for about a month. I absolutely can’t wait to see how Sam’s going to react to what I got him. The same goes for Mom and Dad, I’m just so excited. I can’t remember the last time I had this much Christmas spirit. It was also the first time in years that Sean was home to decorate the tree.  I’m also going to church Sunday morning just because I always feeling a little more positive, and I love Mother Robin to death.

It seems like for the past few I was really unhappy. I can’t quite place exactly what it was, but I have a feeling not spending time with my favorite man had something to do with it. Very rarely did I get to have a real conversation with him, and spending time together was even more rare. Although I love winter, I hate it at the same time. It seems like no one has time for each other, and when they do, they’re in a bad mood. (Maybe it’s just me! it usually is…) But after hanging out with Sam this weekend, I realized how easily he can make me grin again. Seeing his big smile and that twinkle in his eyes really helps. Sometimes I feel like I forget how much I love that boy. He’s my world. (big cheesy grin)

School seems to be getting better overall. Physics is still as aggravating as ever. I find myself angry because I just don’t get it sometimes. Latin is getting a little ridiculous (like Spanish always is), but math has gotten a lot better. I wish we would actually get something done in AP, but I’ll take a whole free period to read any day. English is fantastic as always. Mechanical drawing is alright, and gym is almost over (thank god!). The year seems to be flying by. It’s great. 

Overall, life’s a lot better than it was the past few weeks. Yay Christmas!

Just because I’m a teenager doesn’t mean I’m stupid. It doesn’t mean I drink. It doesn’t mean I smoke. Hell, it doesn’t even mean I approve of those things. It just means I see it, I hear it, I know it’s there. It doesn’t make me any of those stereotypes of immoral, irrational teenagers. I’m not one of them, stop thinking I am.

Why do people feel the need to ruin their lives so early? You have your whole adulthood to screw yourself over, why can’t you just enjoy your childhood and teenage years with memories you can actually remember and be proud of?

I mean, I get that most teenager’s main goal is to rebel and piss off their parents. But if that’s really their whole life’s work for six or so years, can’t they do it in a way that’s morally respectable? The worst feeling in the world is disappointment. Lately, that seems like the only feeling parents have for their teenage children.

What’s the big deal with waiting a few years to drink? You’ve been drinking soda your whole life and you have enough fun at parties. Why bother going to a party if you’re never going to remember it? I’ve never understood the fun in underage drinking. First off, teenage bodies aren’t built for alcohol. They’re not even built for Monsters, but I’d rather have people shove that down their throats instead. 

Now drinking alone won’t ruin anyone’s life. I get that. But then there’s cigarettes, pot, drugs, etc. Teenagers are so concerned with how their bodies look that sometimes I’m baffled by how willing they are to destroy them at the same time. I realize that not every person who smokes weed will drink, or do any other drugs. I realize that someone people only do one thing at a time. But as for the people who do a bunch of those things together, I just don’t get it. Drug addictions turn beautiful people into lifeless bodies. Any addiction can do that, really. Cigarettes cause all sorts of health problems. I’m not completely opposed to pot, but it’s not something I would do. It doesn’t hurt people nearly as much as the other things I’m bitchin’ about are. 

I guess I just really don’t get why people want to start some negative habits so young. I don’t hate those people, in fact a lot of them are friends of mine and Ilove them to death. I just wish I understood their thinking in why they do it. 

Dear Taylor,

What the hell is wrong with you?

I swear to god you’re bipolar. Some days, you love yourself, and everyone around you. You’re happy with your life, where you’re going with it, and what you’ve done. You’re accepting of anything that goes wrong; you take it in stride. You admit you look pretty in the mirror: your freckles, blue eyes, messy brown hair, dimple. You know you look beautiful in a simple, natural way. You smile at strangers, even if they grimace at you. You joke with your mom and tell her about your day. You help the people the need it; you’re kind to people that don’t deserve it. You think that 94 you got on the test was a good grade, and you know your average will be just fine at the end of the quarter. You believe that you can get into MIT. You’re a positive, beaming, intelligent girl for a while.

But it seems like for every one good, happy, decent day, you have nine that knock you back five steps each. You regret every decision you’ve ever made, even if you know it was the right one. You have no idea what you want to do with your life and you’re fairly sure it won’t go anywhere special. Everything that goes wrong is another ton of pressure on your soul, and you await the pound that will shatter it. You look ugly: your freckles look like pimples, your dimple makes you look stupid, your eyebrows are too bushy, your eyes look gray and lifeless like your mood, your smile is faked or nonexistent, your hair looks like a rat’s nest. It seems like every stranger that walks by is talking about you or judging you for the worst. Your parents piss you off just because they’re talking to you. You’re annoyed every time they ask a question. You blow off people that ask for your advice or help; you get snippy with everyone, including your boyfriend. You turn into a giant bitch. You know that the 94 on your test makes you an idiot and everyone else is thinking it, too. Your average is going to be screwed because of it. You’ll never get into MIT and you shouldn’t set your hopes so high because they’ll just get crushed in the end. You’re not worth it. You’re average. You’re not better than all the other hypocritical and sadistic people in the world around you. You don’t deserve to be treated any better than them. You don’t know what you are anymore.

The worst part is that when you’re upset, you know you’re upset but you don’t do anything about it. You just bitch and complain about everything you can think of, even if it isn’t true. You try to bring everyone else down around you. You ruin your boyfriend’s good day so that maybe he’ll understand how you feel, but he won’t have a clue. He’ll just get grumpy and try to fix it. You’ll make it worse and be even more miserable. You’ll try to give him hints to stay up and talk, or stay with you when you sit by yourself, but you know it’s the wrong thing to do, so when the point doesn’t get across, you let it go. You shut your mouth and take it like a man. You bottle it up and take it out on him later. You show him all these terrible emotions he should never have to experience. You wish he wasn’t what he is, but you know he can’t change it. You bitch about that and regret it later. You wonder if he’s better off without you. You wonder if you’re better off without you. But you push it all back, wipe your tears, and go to bed. You try again the next day. Most of the time it doesn’t work, but when it does, you screw something up again. You plan for something then get distracted by stupid things. You let yourself down, you let him down. You’re an idiot and the cycle starts over.

You need to figure out how to fix it. You’re terrified he’ll sink into the miserable state you’re usually in, and you wonder if he already is. You can’t let his day be ruined just because yours is. You need to find something positive in life so that you can love him like you always have instead of doing this shit to him. You need to make your life better so his can be, too. You need to find out who you are and what you want. You need to find out why you do the things you do, and how you can fix it. You need to be happy again.

Sincerely,

Taylor.

–adjective 

emotionally undeveloped; juvenile; childish.

I’ve often wondered it this is a source of my problems with maintaining friends. Ever since I was young, I socialized with adults. I learned my manners as quickly as my words. I was shy around children but loved to gab with older people. My friends, when I made them, were almost always older. If not, they were the kids like me in my grade: smart, responsibly, mature. I was better at tolerating the immature kids in elementary school. Then again, everything was easier then. 

Once middle school hit, the difference between the immature children and the mature young adults really started to stand out. The boys would make sexual innuendos and the whole class would giggle. I’d join in just so I didn’t look like the freak. If I was in a good mood I’ve even be a little amused and let a real smirk out. By the time I got to eighth grade, those kids with the jokes became annoying. The people who would try to team up with me on group projects so they didn’t have to do work, or the ones who cheated or just flat out didn’t try, became impossible to tolerate. 

Now that I’m in high school, most of those immature, irresponsible kids seemed to have weeded their way out of my classes since I have mostly all advanced courses (except for gym and any extra classes). But there still seems to be some of those rascals stuck in my honors classes. They drive me to insanity. Literally. I have breakdowns because I can’t make friends. That’s because I can barely stand anyone anymore. They’re either too dirty, too dumb, or too immature to deal with. Which is frustrating because everyone else is all “Oh I’m going to so&so’s party this weekend!” and then there’s me. Sitting on the couch watching Hawaii five-o with my mom on a Saturday night.

It’s probably my fault that I hate immaturity. I need to loosen up and go with the flow. I need to let go and enjoy myself instead of only worrying about college and school. But I can’t do that very easily. So I wish people could just grow up.

I mean really, how hard is it to accept the fact that some jokes aren’t funny for their humorous qualities but their stupidity? I used to wonder why so many people turn into grumpy old people. But I think at this rate I’m going to be that too-serious girl no one likes. 

My bad, haha.

Just another one of those random blogs about nothing really.

I’m sick of school. Whenever I have a night that I actually want to do something, i get slammed with homework. But goodness forbid, when I don’t have anything to do, I don’t have any homework. Never really thought a teacher’s job was to make their students’ lives miserable, but they seem to be pretty good at it. I’m behind in Latin, so I had to take my book home tonight. I have a huge health test tomorrow (about anorexia…cue the memories), and my math class is just getting rediculous. Why can’t I find a damn flux capacitor and go back to Kindergarten? 

By the way, why is Kindergarten such a long name? I mean, the kids are 5. Why make them say that!?

On a brighter note, (blindingly bright really) it was 61 outside today! So excited. I love springtime. One of my favorite parts of winter is getting to watch all the snow melt and the sun come out. It was beautiful today. But then it’s getting cold again, of course.

T-minus 22 days until my 16th(:

It’s a great feeling. Going to a spa and getting a facial isn’t quite what I mean, although that would be fun, too. I mean more so along the lines of mental, emotional, spiritual cleansing. If you read all my posts, you know that the latter doesn’t apply to me all that much (or even if you read the “info” section of my facebook.), but it does for others. I’m a firm believer that the coming of the new year means a clean slate (unless you killed someone…can’t really get away from that, sorry), and a fresh start. The blog before this really helped me clean my mind, and I must admit, I haven’t worried about anything other than winning a game of cards against my family since. I feel refreshed, inspired, and ready to take on the world (as long as it’s not too complicated…then you can keep it). 

This feeling, it makes me so ready to be someone I haven’t been for a long time: an artist. I want to write letters, paint my shoes, design things on photoshop, color in my coloringbook, take abstract pictures, dance around in my socks, just be the sole essence of everything I wish I could be. So I think I’m going to get off here and put this feeling to use by writing a letter. A long awaited (yet unexpected) letter. 

Goodnight everyone, take the time and cleanse your mind. Take a chance and see how great you feel.

What’s wrong with old? What’s wrong with not changing? Why do we need to have the newest, fastest, coolest things?

Let’s look at this in retrospect. Say you get a new boyfriend/girlfriend. (no sam, this has nothing to do with you.) Just because the old one cheated on you and you think this new boy is better, doesn’t mean that he is. Just because he’s new doesn’t mean he’s amazing. He might be worse. Same idea: just because there’s a new kid at school, doesn’t mean your old friends are that much less cool. They’re just a new toy to play with. Eventually the new kid will get old too, and you’ll need something shiny to play with again.

That’s the problem: we can’t ever be happy with what we have now. What we have now could be exactly what’s right for us, but as soon as there’s a new Buzz Lightyear toy on the shelf, your old one just isn’t so nice. It’s old, and dirty, and broken, and look mom! mine doesn’t fly or make noises like this one. As soon as something new pops up in life, everything else suddenly seems dull and inferior.

So why can’t we just accept what we have now? Because it made us happy before we found the new thing. It’ll make us happy after we get over the fact that the new thing isn’t perfect either. 

So, a solution: Focus on the positive. We’re happy now, we’ll be happy as long as we can stay positive. The new thing isn’t the best thing. Eventually, sure, maybe you’ll get that new toy, find a prettier girl, buy an iTouch, but for now, life’s working out just fine. You don’t need “new” to be happy.

Yessir. Dad is finally hooking up the new computer as I type, and I’m SUPER excited. Ever since the last one crashed, I’ve been a little /: face. But now that I don’t have to type my blogs on a crappy old Macbook, except them more often! (:

It’s a sexy computer. Pictures will be up tomorrow.

I got my new glasses on Monday. I really like them. They have circles on the side and the front is square-ish. Kinda like my old ones. Then today, I got my contacts. Pretty happy about that. I have to phase them in, so I get to wear my new glasses for a while, too(:

Pictures there, too!

I can seeeee! It’s a nice feeling. I went out to look at the stars a few minutes ago, and they’ve never looked so bright. It’s invigorating. Literally, I’m looking at the world through whole new eyes. And metaphorically, too. (literally and metaphorically…a quote my wonderful boyfriend uses all the time, haha) I’ve been in a right cheery mood. I’ve been reading A Vintage Affair for a while now, and it’s a jolly good book. School’s not too bad yet, and my parents aren’t as grumpy. All my favorite shows started again, and an old friend has started to talk to me again. Overall, it’s been a good week or so. The only change I would make is not having to go to school 5 days a week, haha.