I realized today why I don’t want to turn seventeen. I’ve been fighting it as hard as I could. being stubborn, just like you. but anyways, I realized, that once I hit 17, I’ll officially have spent more of my life without you than I did with you. I know, it’s hard to believe you’ve been gone eight years.
I still sit at your desk for dinner, every holiday, instead of sitting at the table with everyone else. I look for Mister Rogers and Liberty’s Kids on tv. They were always our favorite shows to watch together, remember? I looked through your yearbook on New Years this year. I never knew you were in the plays at school. I’m sure you have tons of stories I never got the chance to hear about. or maybe I was too young for them. but I’m a big kid now, and I’m here to listen if you’ll tell me.
eight years, it’s been so long. so much has changed. I’ll be graduating high school next year. I’ll tell mom to save a spot next to her for you at graduation. then I’ll be off to college. it’s a scary thought, but I know you’ll protect me. you always did, I was your little girl. i think you’d be proud of me, of what I’ve done, of what I want to do. and i’m proud, too, proud to have had you for the little time I did. proud you had the courage to teach me how to spit watermelon seeds at the ceiling fan, even though mom yelled at you for it. proud I learned how to say “ah shit” from you when I was a baby. proud to have had all the love you gave me.
yeah, some days are harder than others, but I know you’re there, beside me all the time. I miss you so much.
I love you pap,
your little girl.