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Blehface.

A random collection of thoughts as they come (in no logical order)

  • Hard to concentrate when my heart’s always screaming at me
  • School’s getting ridiculous
  • I think I’m getting more emotional? Not sure how to handle that
  • Scared to apply to college
  • Feel like I’m not good enough
  • I miss my best friend. She needs to come home
  • Not sure if I’m unhappy more than I’m happy anymore, hate that.  
  • Feel like I’m always walking on glass when I talk to Sam lately…worries me. I don’t even think something’s wrong. I’m just…nervous to talk to him. That never happened before. I don’t know what it is. We both just seem so…fragile.
  • Becoming increasingly self-reliant to be happy. No one else seems to notice when I break down
  • Need a vacation - a real one
  • BLEHFACE.

Happiness.

I’d be perfectly happy to lay in your arms for the rest of my days. To rest my head on your chest, tapping your heartbeat on your biceps with my fingertips. To wrap my arms around your waist and never let go. To tilt my head up towards your face and wait for a kiss on the forehead. To listen to your breathing as you fall asleep. To be there when you wake, ready to hear about all of your crazy dreams. To comfort you through nightmares. To remind you that I’ll never leave. To feel your arms tighten around me when I tell you how much I love you. To kiss your nose when you’re upset.  To run my fingers through your hair when you’re angry. To tickle your stomach when you’re too serious. To kiss you, just because I can. To see you smile at me, with that knowing grin that says so much. To fall asleep knowing you’ll be there when I open my eyes again. To share the little moments. To share the big moments. To grow old with you. To love you. 

I’d be I’m perfectly happy, with you. 

A Letter To My Hero.

I realized today why I don’t want to turn seventeen. I’ve been fighting it as hard as I could. being stubborn, just like you. but anyways, I realized, that once I hit 17, I’ll officially have spent more of my life without you than I did with you. I know, it’s hard to believe you’ve been gone eight years.
I still sit at your desk for dinner, every holiday, instead of sitting at the table with everyone else. I look for Mister Rogers and Liberty’s Kids on tv. They were always our favorite shows to watch together, remember? I looked through your yearbook on New Years this year. I never knew you were in the plays at school. I’m sure you have tons of stories I never got the chance to hear about. or maybe I was too young for them. but I’m a big kid now, and I’m here to listen if you’ll tell me.
eight years, it’s been so long. so much has changed. I’ll be graduating high school next year. I’ll tell mom to save a spot next to her for you at graduation. then I’ll be off to college. it’s a scary thought, but I know you’ll protect me. you always did, I was your little girl. i think you’d be proud of me, of what I’ve done, of what I want to do. and i’m proud, too, proud to have had you for the little time I did. proud you had the courage to teach me how to spit watermelon seeds at the ceiling fan, even though mom yelled at you for it. proud I learned how to say “ah shit” from you when I was a baby. proud to have had all the love you gave me.
yeah, some days are harder than others, but I know you’re there, beside me all the time. I miss you so much.
I love you pap,
your little girl.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M FEELING.

This is extremely frustrating. I’m so emotional lately. And I’m terrified of, well, we won’t go there.

School isn’t getting any harder but it’s finally getting to me after all these years. I get tests and I shut down. It’s not that I don’t know my material, because I’m pretty sure everyone knows I do. I just get myself into this place filled with anxiety. It’s like every question is screaming - “If you get me wrong you’ll never go to college!” or “Someone’s going to take your spot for the top of the class!”. I freak myself out so much that I just can’t handle classes anymore. They’re not difficult, I just can’t enjoy learning anymore. Is this what preparing for college is supposed to feel like? Because if it is I don’t know how I’m going to make it through Senior Year. 

I get in these happy moods but it only takes a second to smash it. I’m spending a lot more time by myself reading my magazines all day long. BLEH. 

I’m just a mess. I’m distancing myself from everyone and I don’t know how to stop. Help me?

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