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Marry the Night

The title of one LG’s songs, yes, but it’s the meaning I’m going for. In an interview, Lady Gaga said that the song is all about accepting all the negative things in your life, finding the positives, and loving them.

I don’t do New Years Resolutions because I don’t believe that you should wait until the beginning of a new year to start bettering yourself in some way. It should begin when you realize what you’re doing wrong in your life, or what’s missing from it. I realized a while ago that blogging as often as I can not only puts me in a productive mood, but encourages me to analyze the way I act and improve on those actions. So I’ll try to keep blogging more. So that I can stay sane, so that I learn about myself, so that I can better myself. But it’s not a New Years Resolution. Because I want to keep doing this long after that fades out. It’s a good feeling that shouldn’t just last a year or a few months, or a week or two. Happiness and understanding should last a lifetime.
I’m going to focus on the positive, and when the negative’s there, I’m going to accept it and move on. It won’t hold me back, I’m stronger than anything the world can throw at me. 

I’m gunna marry the night, I won’t give up on my life. I’m a warrior queen, live passionately, tonight.

CHRISTMAS. (and a long awaited update)

HALLELUJAH

I have been looking forward to Christmas for about a month. I absolutely can’t wait to see how Sam’s going to react to what I got him. The same goes for Mom and Dad, I’m just so excited. I can’t remember the last time I had this much Christmas spirit. It was also the first time in years that Sean was home to decorate the tree.  I’m also going to church Sunday morning just because I always feeling a little more positive, and I love Mother Robin to death.

It seems like for the past few I was really unhappy. I can’t quite place exactly what it was, but I have a feeling not spending time with my favorite man had something to do with it. Very rarely did I get to have a real conversation with him, and spending time together was even more rare. Although I love winter, I hate it at the same time. It seems like no one has time for each other, and when they do, they’re in a bad mood. (Maybe it’s just me! it usually is…) But after hanging out with Sam this weekend, I realized how easily he can make me grin again. Seeing his big smile and that twinkle in his eyes really helps. Sometimes I feel like I forget how much I love that boy. He’s my world. (big cheesy grin)

School seems to be getting better overall. Physics is still as aggravating as ever. I find myself angry because I just don’t get it sometimes. Latin is getting a little ridiculous (like Spanish always is), but math has gotten a lot better. I wish we would actually get something done in AP, but I’ll take a whole free period to read any day. English is fantastic as always. Mechanical drawing is alright, and gym is almost over (thank god!). The year seems to be flying by. It’s great. 

Overall, life’s a lot better than it was the past few weeks. Yay Christmas!

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My intelligence. I just got my SATs back, and though they’re lower than what I hoped, I knew I didn’t do that well the first time. I need to get almost 200 points higher before I even think of applying to colleges. But for a sophomore I think they’re pretty damn good. 

I’m currently the top in my class with a GPA of over 100%. So really, school is the best thing going for me right now. Maybe that’s why I don’t like summer as much as everyone else. I love math and science and everything geeky. It’s fantastic. I’m hoping to go to MIT so I really need to hone in on my skills, but hopefully I can do it. 

So that’s the best thing going for me?

I’m smart.

STRESS

STRESSstressSTRESSstressSTRESSstressSTRESSstressSTRESSstress. 

I have too much of it. I’m going crazy. I’m turning into this paranoid, overreacting freak. Well really I’ve always been like that. But I think people are starting to realize it too.

I have too much schoolwork. I can’t rely on anyone else to do it for the grade I both want and need. I have, literally, three friends, maybe four on a good day. Everyone basically ignores me unless they need an answer for homework or anything else academically related. I’m an outcast and I most definitely am feeling like one lately.

All my friends from last year don’t talk to me, or they mock me. They act as if they never knew me or never liked me. Maybe they really never did like me but pretended to so I’d help them with schoolstuff. That’s really what I feel like it is lately. If I’m not convienent for someone’s own personal gain, I’m this worthless piece of nerdy freak that cares about school too much. 

It’s a shitty feeling and I’ve been feeling it all year. But the past month or so it’s really been piling up. I need a day or two where all I have is a room by myself, with nothing but a box of tissues, cookies, and milk. Maybe a coloring book and crayons, too. 

I’m drowning but no one knows how to save me. 

13 reasons why I loved 13 Reasons Why.

1. It’s real. Not like an autobiography or anything, but I felt like I was intruding on someone’s suicide note.

2. The people sounded like people I knew.

3. It made me think about my effect on other people.

4. Other people are starting to effect me less.

5. It gave me a new perspective on life.

6. I feel like I know the signs more.

7. I’m looking forward to the school year this year now.

8. The way the author wrote this made it so personal, I felt like I was Clay for a while.

-3 months later-

9. It reminded me of friends I’ve lost.

10. Reality seems more real, more raw. I can feel more emotions and recognize feelings.

11. I still think about the story and how people’s emotions were affected by others, long after I put the book down.

12. High school seems a little bit easier to handle now that I can see how extreme it can get. I’m thankful it’s not that bad for me.

13. It was a book worth buying and saving. I could read it again and still cry. 

Cleansing.

It’s a great feeling. Going to a spa and getting a facial isn’t quite what I mean, although that would be fun, too. I mean more so along the lines of mental, emotional, spiritual cleansing. If you read all my posts, you know that the latter doesn’t apply to me all that much (or even if you read the “info” section of my facebook.), but it does for others. I’m a firm believer that the coming of the new year means a clean slate (unless you killed someone…can’t really get away from that, sorry), and a fresh start. The blog before this really helped me clean my mind, and I must admit, I haven’t worried about anything other than winning a game of cards against my family since. I feel refreshed, inspired, and ready to take on the world (as long as it’s not too complicated…then you can keep it). 

This feeling, it makes me so ready to be someone I haven’t been for a long time: an artist. I want to write letters, paint my shoes, design things on photoshop, color in my coloringbook, take abstract pictures, dance around in my socks, just be the sole essence of everything I wish I could be. So I think I’m going to get off here and put this feeling to use by writing a letter. A long awaited (yet unexpected) letter. 

Goodnight everyone, take the time and cleanse your mind. Take a chance and see how great you feel.

Self-Diagnosis

It’s not a pretty thing. I’ve done it to myself and just now realized it. It’s rotting me from the inside out. But now that I see it’s there, I’m fixing it. I’m…treating myself.

Because of this self-diagnosis shit (pardon my French, but this is going to be a rant), I’ve been lying to myself. That’s caused me to lie to everyone else. And that makes me angry. I made a promise to the most important person in my life that I would never lie to them, but I’ve done just that. And it’s been driving me crazy for the past few hours.

I used to tell myself that I was colorblind. My dad is, and when I was younger, I thought that meant I had it, too. Because I kept thinking this way, my brain started to act like I did. Blues and greens became grey, and so did my judgement. I thought it was okay to tell other people that I was colorblind, but it had never been confirmed. So one day, when I was cleaning my room, I was also feeling inspired. (Not sure why I wouldn’t write or draw instead, but I did). I saw a pair of socks in my drawer I thought were gray. But they were blue. At first, it made me think that the worse my vision was getting, the better my colorblindness was becoming. But today I realized it’s not worth lying to myself, because it means I’m lying to others. I now let myself see the whole color spectrum. I just wish that everyone that thinks I’m colorblind knew the truth. The problem is that I’m too concerned with what people would say if I told them I’m not colorblind. So I can never do that. I guess this is my way of admitting it.

I’m human, which means I get depressed. I get down, and no one can help me climb back up but myself. This leads me to believe I have Depression. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Maybe I need meds, maybe I just need to understand myself better. Who knows. All I know is that I’m not officially diagnosed with depression. I get stressed easily, and I freak out over little things. It leads to crying fits, nightmares, all sorts of stuff. Sometimes I can control it and sometimes I can’t. So it’s possible that I have anxiety. But focusing on it only makes it worse, just like the depression. Telling myself I’m colorblind can’t make me colorblind, but telling myself I have anxiety or depression could probably lead to me actually being diagnosed with it. So really, I need to focus on whatever’s bothering me and address that, not that fact that I’m pissed or upset or stressed. I need to confront the issue that’s causing it so it stops. I need to confront myself.

I don’t have a whole lot people reading this, so it won’t have a huge effect on my life. But I know some of the people that matter to me will see it. So to them, I say this: I’m sorry. I’ve lied to you, and I’ve lied to myself. I’m trying to make myself a better person, and I hope you can forgive me for that. From now on, I’m going to accept that I am who I am, I don’t need anything else added on top of that. I’m going to be completely honest with anyone and everyone, especially myself. And I’m going to embrace the love that’s been given to me without questioning my worthiness of it.

They say the first step to fixing a problem is admitting there is one. I think I’ve just taken the first step. Maybe the path will be rickety and difficult to stay on, but I know the people that love me will be there to help me with it, and for that, I’m self-diagnosed with appreciation, love, and hope. 

Words, words, words.

Yes, it’s the title of Bo Burnham’s new album. And that’s a great album, I love him! But that’s now what I’m shooting for. And not shooting with a camera. That’s a different subject. Speaking of subjects…I’m trying to decide which college classes to take next year. College…eek. That’s lots of money, which means lots of work. Work…is that all I do lately? Apparently not, because all I’ve been posting on here is pictures and links lately. There we go, that’s the point of this blog! 

I feel like I’m succumbing to only posting pictures on here. That’s never what I meant to do. It’s a source for me to write, not just reblog cool pictures. My main page is basically all other people’s pictures, and that’s just not alright with me. I want to see more words on my main page. So I guess this is how I’m fulfilling that.

Lately, I have more of a need to write than I have in a few months. After the Cole incident, I lost all desire to do anything artsy. Even when I was first with Sam, it wasn’t coming back like I thought it would. Lately, though, it’s been growing. I’ve been wanting to draw, design, write, take pictures, all that jazz. Not sure what’s happened since then. Maybe I’ve been less stressed or something, who knows.

But it’s a good feeling. I’ll hopefully be putting more words, words, words, on here. Keep on the look out(:

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